Sometimes all it takes is an apology.

I have friend that said one of the most hurtful phrases a friend has ever said to me.  I cried, and took a break from the friendship for 2 yrs (minus serious life events taking place in which I reached out).  For the first time my mother even told me to walk away from a friendship.  My mother has never done this before with any of my close friendships.  She calls it "kiddy stuff" to get involved in my friendships.

That phrase was the straw that broke the camels back and anything that happened afterwards was just icing on the cake.  We'd tried to just move past it 9 months later when she told me she missed my friendship, but that only lasted 8 months before something else "bogus" took place.  I took a 10 month break (I thought it was going to be permanent).  We finally had a conversation after she had to undergo major surgery.  The whole time she was in surgery i just kept thinking to myself Lord please don't her die or not be okay and our friendship is the way it is.  Once she was able to talk and sit up again we talked.

The apologies I received and the explanations were things I didn't even realize how much I needed, immediately I felt at peace again.  The reason we were able to move on 10 months before was that deep down inside I needed that apology.  I tend to be very forgiving, and will try to just brush certain things away or decide to move on from whatever took place without even having to discuss it.  But with this being such a close friend and what she said having cut so deeply I need more.

I am thankful that we were able to say the things we needed to say and move on and back to each other.  I am sad it took a terrible event for us to get there, but happy nonetheless.

Destination Wedding

I reallllllyyyyy want to do a destination wedding. It is less stressful for the bride and planner, and we can do a lot more with our $ to create a fantabulous wedding weekend for our guests. My mom is deadset against us doing this. She wants us to have a wedding here in the Chicagoland area so all of her family and friends can be invited. I would be fine with 30-50 people at our destination. She has communicated she'd be VERY disappointed if we did a destination wedding. I don't know what to do =(

I Big Chopped My Hair

*whispers* 2 wks ago. So far so good, but I did purchase some kinky curly weave hair today to give me a break from maintenance once school is really going.

Should we or shouldn't we?

So last night the topic of eloping/secretly marrying came up again. We almost went to the Justice of the Peace this summer to go and get married and just not tell anyone, but I didn't want to mess up my financial aid. Now that, that's all over the topic came up again. I feel like if we did it, it'd have to be a secret that only we knew about, so we could have a wedding later. My mom would be devastated if we didn't have a wedding, and I don't want to do that to her. What do you all think, are secret marriages okay?

Trust Issues?

I was having a convo with my guy today about a friend's guy having photos of other females in his cell phone and how I felt that was disrespectful. Some how the convo evolved to him chuckling and saying that I have trust issues. I had to pause and ask him to elaborate so I'd know exactly what he meant by that. The more we talked, the more I contemplated in what ways do I trust him 100% and in what ways am I still working on getting to 100%. It ended up boiling down to I trust him with my life, heart, and well being, but I am not exactly 100% trusting of him when it comes to electronic communication.

If someone random called and told me he was having sex, dating, kissing someone else, I'd laugh and tell them no he's not then hang up the phone. I wouldn't even call him to ask if it was true, because I trust him 100% when it comes to those things. Now, if someone called me and told me that they were flirting by text/email/fb message, I would listen, and then immediately call him and ask him. I wouldn't be able to hear it chuckle and know it wasn't true, a part of me would wonder. I had to ask myself is this enough for me to be labeled as a person who has trust issues?

PS - Don't worry we're still rock solid lol We just have really open and honest conversations about our thoughts, feelings, etc about our relationship and different scenarios that may or may not occur ;-)

Psalm 29:11

The LORD gives strength to his people;
the LORD blesses his people with peace

And just like that I'm over it

So after my gyrl did me how she did me last week, she called the next day to "make up for it". I really don't know how a person could make up for a once a yr event with a regular club night o_O. Since I declined that invite I haven't heard from her. It's been interesting and it's given me a chance to reflect...sometimes you just outgrow people in your life. For a few months I've been questioning our friendship. My eyes have been opened and a few sermons later, I'm okay with us just being not super close friends. I'm okay with my super small circle, even though they may not be in the same city as me. Yes, that may mean on missing out on an event like I did last week, but in the grand scheme of things that's not the end of the world. Keeping my circle tight keeps drama at a very low nonexistent level, and that's worth missing a special event =)

I need new ladies to kick it with...

So I was super excited to go to a relative's party tonight. It is going to be THE party of the month or season here in Chicago, and I setup VIP for myself and my gyrl. I gave her 2 wk notice about the party because she has kids. Why oh why did she wait until today to get a sitter? Why oh why did she not tell me until an hour before when I wanted to head out that she was tired and didn't feel like going anywhere anyway so she didn't try hard to find a sitter o_O Mind you this is a friend I go out often with when I don't feel like doing a darn thing. But I go because she wants to go and I'm being a friend. Nice to know that feeling isn't reciprocated....smdh

It's been a long time... I shouldn't have left you....

My life.... what's different since November 2010....

I'm in love! I'm in a relationship with my life partner. God sent us to each other at the right time. He's the first person I can be around for hours on end and not become annoyed with his presence or want to get a breather. I actually like holding his hand (cause y'all know I am not a fan of this sort of thing) in private and in public. He understands, calms, loves, appreciates, and adores me. For the first time ever I was actually down with the thought of going to the courthouse to get married just so that we could hurry up and spend forever together. While he loved the idea, he wants to be sure I have the wedding of my dreams and he knew that wasn't it.

I'm transitioning to a head full of natural hair. My last relaxer was on New Years Eve 2010. I never made a conscious decision in the beginning to transition to natural hair. I was trying to save money (I'm still a full time student) and paying $70 every 2 wks and $120 when I got a relaxer just wasn't going to cut it anymore, especially not when I know how to take care of my hair. So about 3 months out I realized well I might as well stop getting relaxers and putting carcinogens into my scalp. Around the 6 month mark I was about to break down and get a relaxer I couldn't take all of that new growth! But with the help of a few online forums, youtube, and a great hair friend I learned how to take care of my transitioning strands with little to no daily maintenance. Now I only go to the salon to get trims, cuts, or treatments (my stylist still gives me the best hard protein treatments ever).

I'm still in grad school...sigh. My wonderful institution of higher learning does not believe in offering all of the classes a student needs to graduate on time, so I will be a 2012 graduate. I'd budgeted my money and savings to last me til June '11 (when I thought I'd be graduating) so these months since July have def been rough, but God has made a way and I've never missed a meal, or any other necessity. The only bright side to this is I have more time to spend studying for my actuarial exams, which is a HUGE bright side. My mother has been trying to talk me into getting my teaching certification immediately after I graduate so that I always have that available as a secondary career, and I just may listen to her. With the career my life partner is switching too, it'd be wise for me to be able to work in any location (rural, or urban).

I love my church and pastor. I finally joined the church I've been visiting the past couple yrs. It was time for me to leave the church I grew up in, when I could no longer grow there, and I was blessed to be close to a pastor of a wonderful assembly of believers. I love the different ministries, Bible study, and Sunday Service. I feel like I will grow here, and it helps that my life partner enjoys going there for service too.

2011 has been the year of odd health incidents. I had gasoline inhalation poisoning (complete with coughing up blood), pulled a main nerve in my thigh and couldn't walk for a period of time, had a mystery illness that lasted a month complete with a week of fever, and I'm sure a dozen other things I can't recall. Good thing is I've recovered from all of them! I thank God for a great team of physicians in my life, and the wherewithal to seek medical help when things don't quite seem right.

I think that's all I can think of for a catch up on me... if I think of anything else, I'll make another blog ;-)

it was beyond the strong sexual attraction, beyond the feeling of total security I had whenever i was round him. I felt i could be me in every way, and be celebrated for it flaws and all in a way I've never felt with any other guy, and THAT was powerful.....

My quote for this week of my life

"...all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose."

Romans 8:28 KJV

Peace & Calmness

I'm in love with how calm and peaceful I've been feeling these past couple weeks!

I was REALLY stressed out during Finals, not getting enough sleep etc. Then I went on vacation to the D.R. and found bliss! I never knew it'd last this long. I LOVE it! My WONDERFUL April trip was canceled due to a last minute scheduling conflict so I'm hoping this bliss can last until my May trips. Vacations are TRULY a life savior. They help me get back to the basics and concentrate on the things that are important to me.

Calm vacations are my yoga, and I need one once a month. Yes, I said need. I went two months (Jan & Feb) for the first time in like 4 yrs without even a mini vacay a month and boy was I wound up! My schedule is pretty hectic, so leaving Chicago is the only time I get to not have a million things on my plate to do. I need time where I don't have to worry about the next meeting/appointment/committment. I think we all do. Sometimes we give so much of ourselves to causes, jobs, school, and other commitments, that there isn't much left for us.

If you're not taking me time, whether it's a vacation, hour alone meditating/praying, in town getaway, etc. think about it, imagine what your life and disposition could be like with it...

Getting My Warm Weather Groove Back

I'm finally coming out of hibernation! =) As we know its cold where I live 60% or more of the year. I like to be warm, hot even is preferable. So, when it gets cold out I stay in the house unless it's someone's birthday or other special occasion. But it's finally warming up! And after 2 trips to warm locations in the past 2 weeks, I'm ready to be out and about!!

Now with this I've been slowly but surely getting out more and more. Well I think I took things a little too far, because I injured/aggravated my back, and I already had a controlled back issue. Yea, it's not so controlled now thanks to me =/ So I had to stop my training sessions at my gym, so I can take weeks of physical therapy in order to prevent back surgery. My surgeon was basically like either you do well in PT or I'll be performing surgery on you this late Spring. Needless to say I told my Physical Therapist to go hard, because I DO NOT want to have any type of surgery on my spine...smh...nosir!

So while that should've slowed me down immensely I've just decided to continue to pop my prescribed meds every morning, carry Ibuprofen, and do everything my therapist tells me to. After all it is warming up, I just have to make sure I'm not out in stilettos all the time and I should be good ;-)

Sweating the Small Stuff...

I just had a moment of clarity.

A lot of people that know me extremely well, especially my inner female circle, know that I tend to be rather cool, calm and collected when it comes to guys. It takes a lot to phase me, and I don't let a guy into my heart for a very long time. Part of that is I don't want to be hurt, and part of it is it's just not in my personality to be the gyrl all hyped up about a guy.

I don't like PDAs. I'm not an I need to see this dude every day and be on the phone all night type of gyrl. In relationships, I'm often the one saying as long as we have a communication everyday (goodnight text/email will suffice), we only need to have a thorough conversation or visit once a week, unless the need arises to do more. I'm pretty low maintenance in terms of what I need emotionally from a guy I'm involved with, once I feel secure of my position in his life. I'm not the jealous type, I have healthy male friendships and I have no problem with him having healthy female friendships.

All of that means I'm typically in relationships/situations where there's very little drama, stress, and arguments. Typically if I'm upset at my mate something MAJOR has occured, &/or I feel I'm being disrespected.

On the flip side, this also means I don't sweat the small stuff. Now the problem with that is I either end up internally rationalizing whatever small thing occured, or I try to just forget it happened. While some may say it's slightly passive agressive of me to behave like this, I just don't have the energy to argue/discuss something small enough for it to not affect my behavior or feelings towards my mate.

Well one of the guy's I've been seeing for a few months that's pretty much my favorite non platonic guy to spend time with has been PERFECT in all the major areas people tend to care about. He treats me WELL whenever we're together. He's vocal about his feelings, there's no guessing game. We have AMAZING all-around chemistry. We also have the same values. BUT, there's been something small that he's not been so perfect in/about.

Everytime the small thing happens, I pull a typical me and I don't say anything and just know I'll be over it in the morning. Well the small thing has occured in different forms a few times lately. And needless to say I've been doing a lot of internalizing, and of course with that comes me rationalizing his behavior. I was on the phone with one of my best friends telling her for the first time about the situation, and him (I actually like this guy, which is another rarity for me, and I tend to keep those situations to myself until I can tell if it'll end well), and I found myself getting mad. I realized this was no longer a small issue with me. This issue had ballooned from "I don't sweat the small stuff" to this is making me wonder if I should still see him.

I finally built up the courage to call him (yes courage, because I hadn't decided if I was ready & willing to let him go if the conversation didn't go as well as I wanted it to go), and found that he was EXTREMELY apologetic, and said he'd do better. I'd gone through this long period of simmering about his behavior, and semi stressing about it, when all it took was for me to STOP internalizing it and just say something, for it to be fixed.

So I'm not saying I will stop not sweating the small stuff, but I am saying I will do a better job of realizing when something is no longer "small" and has become an issue I need to discuss. I shouldn't let something eat me up inside in a friendship. It's not fair to that person, and it's not fair to me.

Life Plan

Do you ever wonder if you're doing what you're supposed to be doing? Are the steps/actions you're making and taking now the correct ones for you to maximize your experiences in life?

Every year I think about my life plan, and I evaluate whether or not it's what God wants for me, I'm still on the right path, there's been a stumbling block, and I can tweek it to make it better.

Right now I'm in a new stage of life. Everyday I have the opportunity to only do the things I choose to do. I have no one telling me what I have to do, or when I have to do it. I take time every day to do something that I feel passionate about. For those that know me, I'm passionate about a lot ;-) So as you can imagine I'm more busy now than I was working a full time job, a part time job, and going to school!

I'm going to try and write once a week at least about my new "passionate project". There will be some projects that are ongoing because of course Rome wasn't built in a day! ;-) Can wait to hear you all's input!

- Ms. Sassy

God is Pro-Life?

I was recently in my car and I saw a bumper sticker that said "God is ProLife". Of course this was a bumper sticker about abortion. The slogan got me to thinking...is God really Pro-Life or is He Pro-Choice?

I sat their pondering this for about 5 mins (yea I was in traffic), and I came to the conclusion that God is Pro-Choice. He hopes we make the right decision that fits into his plan for Christian living, but God let's us choose the paths we will take. It's kind of like the reason we aren't perfect. God gives us free will. So, if he gives us free will in every other aspect of our lives why would he not let us make choices in regards to abortion?

What do you all think?

Uh oh.....clocks are ticking

So in the past 2 weeks I have had 6 conversations with 6 different women about their unease with not being engaged or married. Only one of them is over 30. What in the world is going on? Since when do people in their mid 20s start exasperating about marriage? I've heard of wanting a baby at this age but wow. They aren't even worried about kids that much. It's all about that lifelong partner.

Female #1 - Everywhere I go I see women my age with rings. It depresses me.
Me - How do you know they're your age?

Female #2 - OMGosh if I don't meet my husband this year it's all downhill.
Me - Ummm will you be 30 next yr?
Female #2 - No.

Female #3 - I feel like all my friends are getting married =(
Me - Am I your friend? Am I getting married? Am I worried about it?

Female #4 - OMGosh I'm never going to be married, no one will want me.
Me - Ummm aren't you extremely attractive, don't you have no kids, you have multiple degrees, extremely loving, and you're not crazy? What makes you think this?

This is the kind of stuff I'm hearing... is it the weather? Has winter gone on for too long? What gives?

To move or not to move... that is the question.

YES WE DID!

The pain that comes with getting back on the horse

So for the first time all week I have been able to walk without crippling pain. Sad right....I had the trainer from HELL on Sunday. I've never had to use my hands to move my legs in my life. I couldn't even get in and out of the car without using instruments, and then using my hands to lift my legs out of the car...smh...very painful, but good pain. So now that I can walk again with pain I can manage, I'm back in the gym today! =) I figure now all I have to do is remind myself of the pain I felt this week, and I'll never take a month off from the gym again!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27308749/ - Check this out... go 'head FAMU!